Wednesday, 26 April 2006

Best of 007 (Sean Connery)

The first James Bond movie I ever saw was Goldfinger with Sean Connery as 007. Like a newly hatched bird that bonds with the first creature that it see, Sean Connery will forever be imprinted in my mind as The James Bond.
Not that I think the other guys did a bad job; Roger Moore was not bad, but he was let down by some bad scripts in the later years. When Timothy Dalton took over, the long line of bad script went unbroken and he had to take the wrap. Pierce Brosnan seemed to be more of a bad parody of James Bond, possibly because the scripts had deteriorated into an embarrassing mess.
I must admit that I can't remember ever seeing the next 007, Daniel Craig, in anything at all. I know there is a big controversy over selecting a blond actor to step into the shoes of everybody's favorite secret agent, come on! give the man a chance! Yet, if there is no improvement in the scripts, he might go the way of George Lazenby who only was seen in one movie.

Sean Connery handled the part with the tongue firmly in his cheek, yet you believed that he could be dangerous and would kill people if necessary. Not only did he get away with saying some of the most sexists lines to women in movie history, he did them with style (the lines).

The first really good line comes from the film Goldfinger:

Pussy Galore: My name is Pussy Galore.
James Bond: I must be dreaming.

This name, no doubt, inspired the name of a character in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery and the following exchange:

Austin Powers: Come again?
Alotta Fagina: Alotta Fagina.
Austin Powers: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it, it sounds like you said your name was a lot of um... never mind!

Of course she later realises that her name might invoke certain images in men's minds so at the end of the movie we hear that she has changed it to: Sandy Fagina, which admittedly sounds less inviting.

A few more, though not as good ones, sneaks into Thunderball:

Miss Moneypenny: James,how else will you recognize her?
James Bond: Can't miss. She has a mole on her left thigh.

[after making love to Pat, Bond sees something suspicious on the grounds, and gets up to investigate]
Pat Fearing: James, where are you going?
James Bond: Oh, nowhere. I just thought I'd take a little, uh... exercise.
Pat Fearing: You must be joking.

[Bond is standing in the doorway between their apartments as Fiona takes a bath]
Fiona: Aren't you in the wrong room, Mr. Bond?
Bond: Not from where I'm standing.

Then it goes full throttle in You only live twice:

[Kissy says she will be sleeping elsewhere. Bond shoves his oyster dinner aside]
James Bond: Well, I won't need these.

[Bond is captured by Helga Brandt]
Helga Brandt: I've got you now.
James Bond: Well, enjoy yourself.
[Brandt slaps him]

[about to make love to Helga Brandt]
James Bond: Oh the things I do for England.

[Being bathed by Tanaka's women]
Tiger Tanaka: You know what it is about you that fascinates them, don't you? It's the hair on your chest. All Japanese men have beautiful bare skin.
James Bond: Ancient Japanese proverb, "Bird never make nest in bare tree."

[James is in bed with a Ling, a Chinese woman]

James Bond: Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?
Ling: You think we better, huh?
James Bond: No, just different. Like Peking Duck is different from Russian Caviar. But I love them both.
Ling: Darling, I give you very best duck.

Tiger Tanaka: Rule number one: never do anything yourself when someone else can do it for you.
James Bond: And rule number two?
Tiger Tanaka: Rule number two: in Japan, men come first, women come second.
James Bond: I just might retire to here.

Once again this inspired a joke in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery:

Alotta Fagina: In Japan, men come first and women come second.
Austin Powers: Or sometimes not at all.

MoneyPenny: Oh, by the way, how was the girl?
[turns the lamp towards her, interrogation style]
James Bond: Which girl?
MoneyPenny: The... uh... Chinese one we set you up with?
James Bond: Another few minutes and I would have found out.

Mr. Osato: You should give up smoking. Cigarettes are very bad for your chest.
Helga Brandt:
Mr. Osato believes in healthy chest.
[Bond eyes Helga's breasts]
James Bond: Really?

Diamonds are forever:

[to Tiffany while he's in bed with her]
James Bond: Presumably I'm the condemned man and obviously you're the hearty breakfast.

Sir Donald Munger: Tell me, Commander, how far does your expertise extend into the field of diamonds?
James Bond: Well, hardest substance found in nature, they cut glass, suggest marriages, I suppose it replaced the dog as the girl's best friend. That's about it.

Plenty O'Toole: Hi, I'm Plenty.
[Bond looking at her cleavage]
James Bond: But of course you are.
Plenty O'Toole: Plenty O'Toole.
James Bond: Named after your father perhaps?

James Bond: Weren't you a blonde when I came in?
Tiffany Case: Could be.
James Bond: I tend to notice little things like that - whether a girl is a blonde or a brunette.
Tiffany Case: Which do you prefer?
James Bond: Well, as long as the collar and cuffs match...

[holding up a finger, moving back]
Plenty O'Toole: Just give me one second, lover.
[she walks into the bedroom]
[Bond picks up her dress and tosses it onto a couch. He turns on a lamp and finds a goon pointing a gun at him]
James Bond: Good evening.
[other lights come on, revealing another goon, also pointing a gun at him]
James Bond: Well, I'm afraid you've caught me with more than my hands up.

Then a long break before Sean Connery returns in Never say Never Again:

Nurse: Mr. Bond, I need a urine sample. If you could fill this beaker for me?
James Bond: From here?

[Fatima Blush lands in James Bond's arms when she water-skis up the ramp to the bar]

Fatima Blush: Oh, how reckless of me. I made you all wet.
James Bond: Yes, but my martini is still dry. My name is James.

Not really that sexy, but very "Connery".

Fatima Blush: You know that making love to Fatima was the greatest pleasure of your life.
James Bond: Well, to be perfectly honest, there was this girl in Philadelphia...
Fatima Blush: Write this: "The greatest rapture of my life was afforded me on a boat in Nassau by Fatima Blush," and sign it "James Bond, 007."
James Bond: I just remembered. It's against Service policy to give endorsements.
Fatima Blush: Write!

My memory is not that good, so I should probably mention that my research was done through the Internet Movie Data Base (IMDB), where I stole these quotes from (long live copy & paste).
Just find a movie you are interested in and look under: "Memorable Quotes".
If you are a movie buff like me, you might never leave IMDB again.

Saturday, 22 April 2006

We Mean It!

When I saw that warning, my first thought was: Oh yeah, how hot?

Answer: So hot that I had to keep my hand under cold running water for five minutes....

Thursday, 20 April 2006

Car Park Trouble

When you build an underground car park, you quickly realise that it might be a good idea to protect the pipe work and lights hanging down from the ceiling. You have spent a fortune on this so you don't want to see it destroyed, so you invest in a sign.

It doesn't take long before the first light fitting get knocked to smithereens, people in general are shockingly unaware about the height of their vehicle.
So you put in a metal rail to give entering cars a friendly bump on the roof before it get far enough into the car park to cause any damage to your investment.

Now you have problems with pigeons sitting on the metal rail making a slippery mess underneath, as pigeons have been known to do.
You have no other choice than putting some spikes on the rail to deter the winged rats.

Just as you thought you had reached the end of the road, idiots start turning up, forcing you to invest in yet another sign.

Wednesday, 19 April 2006

Robins Costner's Castle

This Easter we explored some of the many old castles, churches and ruins of south-west England and there are many, believe me.... if I see one more castle, church, ruin or any combination of these in the next few weeks; I'm going to SCREAM!. One of the ruins was the Old Wardour Castle that was featured in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, you know the one with Kevin Costly and Mary Elizabeth Matro... eh..Mastren.. hm...Mastub... arrrrg!, the original Queen Bitch of the Universe from The Abyss.

A sign on the castle grounds (see photo above) shows the above-mentioned two actors in a scene from the movie and by comparing it to the castle ruin we just couldn't work out which angle it was shot from. By an amazing coincidence, the day after we got back home, the movie was shown on TV and we realised that the scene depicted was not shot at the Old Wardour Castle at all, but somewhere else. The scenes actually filmed at the Old Wardour are featured in the beginning of the movie, when Robin returns to find his father killed and his castle in ruins after the Sheriff of Nottingham has made a less than friendly social call. The garden feature grotto in the photo below is also seen briefly in the movie as a backdrop when Hans Gruber (The Sheriff) greets Robin's father, with a polite: "Join us or die!".

Monday, 17 April 2006

Brussels Sprouts

The other day we walked past a traditional old English vegetable garden, were I took this photo.
These are Brussels Sprouts stalks where the sprouts have been picked off
Lucky that! Otherwise my wife would probably had made me eat them.

Want to know more? (somehow I don't think so).

Brussels Sprouts

Wednesday, 12 April 2006

Rats with wings

We have an unsigned agreement with pigeons; They just walk all over the road as they please and when we come driving, they just scamper out of the way without us having to worry about them.
This time of the year that agreement seem to have gone out the window. Horny male pigeons are so busy courting the female pigeons that they forget to keep an eye on the traffic. Oddly enough the females do not seem so distracted by this macho strutting that they can't clear out of the way in time. Maybe it's because the male pigeon matting dance most of all look like a Mick Jagger stage performance. This inability to cope with traffic could the very reason behind the great success of pigeons in the city. Evolution (my car) kills the inattentive birds, leaving only the traffic safe specimens alive to multiply.
And multiply they do, in every major city you find these flying rats, shitting on statues, building ledges and my car (evolution). The amount of spikes and strings mounted on buildings to prevent pigeons from resting there is unbelievable. I can't help wonder (because I love useless trivia) how many tons of metal there's gone into pigeon-resting-prevention around the world . Woody Allen was right to call them rats with wings.
The solution would not be to kill the pigeons themselves and we can't kill the elderly people feeding them. Instead I suggest that we make all the green traffic lights at pedestrian crossings twenty seconds shorter, making it difficult to cross for slow walkers and eventually old people will give up going outside and just stay at home watching TV, traffic will run smoother and no more pigeons.

Old lady fined
Another old lady fined

Monday, 10 April 2006

The Beat of a Different Drum

I don't mind people Marching to The Beat of a Different Drum, but why does it have to be a slow one?

Saturday, 8 April 2006

Potato Western

Everybody knows about the Spaghetti Westerns made in the in 60's and 70's by Italian film makers. Few know that Denmark jumped that bandwagon too and created what we in Denmark affectionately refer to as the Potato Western (Kartoffel Western).
As far as I know only two movies were made and they were never meant to be taken seriously, the casting of well known Danish comedy actors saw to that. Most of the outdoor filming were done in a gravel quarry, probably to achieve the arid desert look that you see in the Spaghetti Westerns. It's amazing how much it doesn't look like an arid desert at all, it looks just like a... well a gravel quarry. In other outdoor scenes, nothing have been done to camouflage the fact that the movie was made in Denmark and it just look like good old plain Denmark.

Are the films any good?
No! and yes, only Danes (and maybe a few Swedes and Norwegians) will like them.
They got that; so bad that it's good quality to them and the actors involved are loved by everyone regardless of what they do.

The Tough Boys of The Prairie.

Gold for The Tough Boys of The Prairie.

Thursday, 6 April 2006

King Bluetooth

Bluetooth is named after a 10th century Danish Viking king called Harald Blåtand. Of course his name has been anglicised to Harold Bluetooth, which I find a bit silly. To me Harald is the name of a tough ravaging viking, while Harold is a middle aged semi-bald English guy sitting in an armchair with slippers on his feet, reading his newspaper while puffing away on a pipe (married to a woman called Maude).
No matter, Bluetooth was named so because Harald Blåtand through diplomacy convinced different factions to negotiate peace with each other, which probably made his job as king a bit easier, it's not always "Good to be the King".
This is what Bluetooth does for wireless connections between phones, computers, cars, headsets and what have you, it makes all those devices, that conform with the Bluetooth standard, negotiate and talk to each other making your life easier.
As soon as I start my car my phone is automatically hooked into the car-kit, I don't even have to remove the phone from my pocket. On the street you see people with bluetooth earpieces hanging in their ears, oblivious to how silly they look. It's nothing new though, Uhura from Star Trek had a bluetooth earpiece before anyone else.

Now I'm just waiting for people to wake up to the fact that the other wireless standards have also been named for Danish kings, namely the Triplet Kings; IEEE 802.11a, IEEE 802.11b and IEEE 802.11g.

Want to know more?
Harald Blåtand
IEEE 802.11