This morning the wife announced that today was "Harrods Day". I couldn't believe it, only yesterday we celebrated "Oxford Street Day".
I love crowded department stores, NOT. It really brings the worst up in me, I fell like bringing along a rubber hose to clear a path through the other shoppers. Fortunatley there is a HMV shop in Harrods where my wife can park me while she runs around "saving" money buying things on sale.
As I'm doing the slow scuttle along the DVD display a small fat boy keeps pushing me so he can get to the DVD's he is interested in. I don't want to sound cruel, but in my experience fat kids suffer from a lack of self-restraint. I don't know whether it comes from a sloppy upbringing or just pure greed. The result is the same, an uncontrollable behaviour that is a pain in the butt and a face that invites you to slap his fat cheeks. I would never hit anyone, least of all a child, but I have a secret weapon. Farts, not the "trumpet" ones (that my beloved wife hate so much), but the silent ones (she hates them too) that really stinks. As the boys mother calls for him to come for the tenth time and starts walking over towards him, I just let a silent one fly and then move a couple of steps away. As the mother reach the boy she notices the foul smell and starts to look around. All she sees is a neatly dressed young man in his thirties studying a DVD case of the movie "The Sound Of Music". She then looks down at the boy, while her nostrils flares, then grabs him by his arm and drags him away. I have to imagine the rest, the stern conversation in the car on the way home about how she can never bring him anywhere anymore.
A tip: if the kid wears a duvet-jacket, try to bump into him so that the fabric flattens, just before farting. As the fabric expands again it will suck up the foul smelling air and the smell will linger in the jacket for hours.
I have gotten the fart treatment myself. A couple of months ago I was shopping in Waitrose, I was down an aisle trying to find some dried beans. A nice looking girl a couple of meters away from me suddenly let a trumpet fart rip. She never battered an eyelid, every person in the vicinity looked in our direction. Nobody said anything but I know what their conclusion was, seeing an average looking guy and a good looking girl.
Later I bumped into her by "accident" flattening her duvet jacket...
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Farts & Beans